Weekly Reality Wrap-Up -- The Dirty Laundry

Moment of the Week: Clint Black (Celebrity Apprentice)

Now, this isn't as much of a moment as an idea ... but I had to get this in here somewhere. On Celebrity Apprentice this week, the teams were tasked with making a viral video for All laundry detergent. In the brainstorming sessions for each team, there were some extremely bizarre and simply terrible ideas thrown around (Jesse James being washed by midgets) but it was the team captain Clint Black's commercial that took the cake for .... let's say awkward tastelessness. Mr. Black, a Grammy-winning country singer, immediately decided that the target demographic (middle-aged women with kids) would love an ad rife with double entendres. The basis of his commercial was the phrase "doing the dirty laundry" which apparently people use as code-word for sex (?). So here's the rundown of the video. Clint calls his "wife" and asks if they can do the dirty laundry (sex, of course) when she gets home, unfortunately she says no. We then see Clint walk into the laundry room, grab the bottle of All, give a shifty-eyed look around, and close the door, presumably taking care of it himself and using the detergent as .... lubricant of some sort? (awkward AND tasteless, no?) Later that evening, Clint is reading a book in bed when his wife comes in and announces that they can, in fact, do the dirty laundry tonight. Clint, however, satiated from earlier responds with "no, that's ok sweetie, it was a small load, I did it by hand." .............................................................................. yeah, masturbation joke. For the full affect watch the commercial here

Contestant of the Week: Que (Making the Band 4)

Qwanell Mosely, a member of Diddy's band Day26, gained honorable mention last week for engaging in a major fights with a bandmate.Now, that was not the first fight he had nor the first case of bitchassness, but after that fight, the group made up and Que seemingly understood his mistakes. Well obviously that was not the case as this week, Que got into a shouting match in public, and just caused an extreme ruckus. Not only that, but he almost got into a fight with the entire rest of the band. Recently, Robert discusses Que's propensity for fighting; "One day it's a cab driver, the next day it's you (Willie), then it's 3 dudes in the club, then it's Brian ...". Of course, after this altercation there was a flowing of tears and baring of souls which led to peace in the group. Later on, Diddy called a meeting with the guys and made what I think was a good call .... He sat them down, talked about the problem, and ended the session by basically telling them that he didn't buy this sudden, new found love and sending Que home for the next set of concerts. The other guys didn't look too distraught, and the preview for the next episode even showed them saying that "it ... wasn't that bad." So we shall see what goes on with Que. And I can assure you that if he continues to be a part of the group, he'll be getting this award more than a few times.

Show of the Week: Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel II

The Challenge is back and ready to entertain through its own special mix of interpersonal drama (sex, physical altercations, emotional turmoil) and physical challenges. Just like every other reality show, there's the rule that if anyone fights, they're immediately thrown out. Normally it takes a few episodes for someone to throw down, but in the season premier of The Challenge, two people were gone before the first challenge even took place. The reason was just pointless drama, and not really the best part. The fight itself took place between Adam and CT who have had many altercations in the past, all of which Adam has refrained from retaliating (though this could be due to the fact that Adam is about 5'10" 150lbs, while CT is 6'3" 240lbs). This time, however, Adam couldn't hold himself back after a punch straight to the jaw from CT. Unfortunately the fight didn't end there. Once Adam was removed form the area, CT continued trying to charge at him, pushing through 4 or 5 of the other guys trying to hold him back (strong like bull). CT even chased him through the courtyard, ending the tirade with "yeah I wanna kill him .... I wanna smash his face in and rip out this heart and eat it!"

Yezzur, that was this week in reality television.

Vaya con Dios

iGouging

As we all know, Steve Jobs is trying to rule the world (or in his vision, what is soon to be iEarth) but he just might be losing touch with the consumers as he makes them lose touch with their wallets, in a move that is decent in theory but terrible in execution. Everyone knows what iTunes is so I'm going to spare the typical long-winded description and get right to the matter at hand. Mr. Jobs has decided to introduce what is called Variable Pricing. This new pricing structure will reprice tracks at $0.69, $0.99, and $1.29 based on the song's popularity. The beneficiaries of this new system would seem to be those tight-flannel-shirt-wearing, Parliament-Light-smoking indie kids whose iTunes bills should be going down depending on just how indie they really are (Crooked Fingers, anyone?). 

Now the question remains: Just how does one know the popularity of a certain song, and at what level does the pricing go down/up? Well, Apple isn't leaving you in the dark to guess as to how popular a track is, they've provided a popularity meter that is filled according to, you guessed it, the song's popularity. And as to the question of what level of popularity constitutes a price change, it's not what you'd think. Now, keep in mind, I don't use iTunes (I far prefer MediaMonkey) so I had to go to someone else's computer in order to check out this foolishness, but from what I saw there, and in other accounts of this travesty, a song is $1.29 even when the meter is just over half full. 

As for the price drops, this is where Apple fails miserably. In my (admittedly not as extensive as it should have been) explorations, it was extremely difficult to find a song for $0.69. A search for the aforementioned Crooked Fingers (first band that came to mind, don't give me shit for it) turned up a whopping ZERO price-dropped tracks despite having nothing in the popularity meter. Trolling around elsewhere and seeing what other people have said, many have had the same problem, with a site calling out for readers to comment back with any tracks they find for the reduced price, and out of 36 comments, there was only one found: I'll Fly Away by Kanye West (wtf?). Now far from polishing my guns for a militant outburst aimed at Mr. Jobs, I just set here, dumbfounded by this (kinda, maybe, not so) good idea gone wrong, and I feel for those many of you whose iTunes bills are going to rise. If nothing else, Steve-O is giving Amazon's music store a bit of a leg up.

*If you find a plethora of tracks for $0.69 please let me know.

Vaya con Dios

I'm Throwing My Arms Around (Courtney) Paris

March Madness is one game away from closure and we already have one new National Champion. On the men's side we have North Carolina (crowned after switching MSU's colors from green and white to black and blue) and for the women it is down to two. Tonight Louisville and UConn will take the court for the title. Notice that the Oklahoma Sooners are not one of those teams.

On Oklahoma's senior night, the Sooners' star, senior Courtney Paris (the rather intimidating female on the left), gave a stirring speech guaranteeing a national championship. Then, she added a twist. Paris vowed that if the Sooners didn't win it all she would pay back the $64, 000 full-ride scholarship she was given when she came to school. On Sunday, Oklahoma lost. Uh-oh.

Much to my surprise, at least, she says that she definitely intends to follow through on her promise. Though, she noted that she doesn't have the money now. If she actually pulls this off, she should get a parade. $64,000 isn't chump change and actually paying back a school who gave you money to play basketball is beyond admirable.

However, she could easily end up on The Short Bus. Who in their right mind guarantees a national championship...before the tournament even starts? She didn't only count her chickens before they hatched, she counted roughly 19 future generations of those chickens before they hatched. Now, granted I don't follow women's basketball (shocker) but I've never heard OU mentioned among the nation's powerhouses (i.e. Tennessee). Now, Ms. Paris has something to worry about. She'll be in debt when she leaves college. I don't know exactly how well the WNBA pays or if she'll even make it but, either way, she's in a hole. So, Courtney, welcome to the lives of every other college student in America.

Peace & Love

PS - HERE is the ESPN story about her guarantee.

LG's Bringing Sexy Back

CTIA Wireless 2009, one of the biggest yearly cell phone conferences, ended just three days ago. Among the hoards of unreleased cell phones being shown off for the first time was the LG-GD900, which is by far one of the sexiest phones to grace the world with its presence. The GD900 has been touted as the transparent phone, and for good reason. The phone is a touch-screen device which features, among other things, a vertical slider design, meaning that the phone itself slides up to reveal an alphanumeric (the typical 1-9) keypad. That in itself isn't too terribly impressive, much less sexy, but here's the killer part -- the keypad is transparent and a touch-screen itself. The keypad's touch interface can control many of the actions on the main screen (not much point to that but it's cool as shit), and also supports handwriting recognition. The device also sports LG's S-Class 3D UI ( their new touch-screen interface, which is pretty ballerific from what I've seen) as well as an 8MP camera. Rather than give you the promo photos that are obviously made in photoshop, or the first LG shots that are marred by an Asian woman dual wielding the phone, I trolled to find the best pictures I could, though I'd suggest watching this to get the full effect, because only video can do this masterpiece justice, but here we go ...

* Thanks to Boy Genius Report and Mobile Burn for the photos

Vaya con Dios

The Short Bus

Oh, it's good to be back. After a seven month hiatus we're back and better than ever before. So, without further delay, welcome to The Short Bus. Each week I'll be bringing you the best and brightest in idiocy. Who is the inaugural passenger you ask? The winner is a very special suicide bomber from Helmand, Afghanistan.

On March 26 a suicide bomber, who we'll call Boom, managed to perfectly detonate himself. Unfortunately, he was a bit quick on the trigger and blew up while saying good-bye to his fellow militants. This blunder resulted in the death of six of his cohorts as well. I guess he just couldn't wait for those seventy-two virgins. Wouldn't it be great if he was some crafty double-agent dumbass looking to rid the world of six other avant-garde bombers? But no, unfortunately, he was just a moron.

Since this is the first voyage of The Short Bus, I'd hate it for Boom to get lonely. So, introducing the next Short Bus resident: the NCAA rules committee. Florida State has (or had) a wide receiver named Corey Surrency. Corey was never a headliner but was a consistent player who had the potential for a break-out year this fall. Corey is 24 years old. Yes, a bit old for a college Senior. Corey played in an indoor football league before he went to college since, growing up in Miami, he didn't have the money. It was here that he garnered so much attention and eventually was picked up by FSU. I don't think the NCAA was his biggest fan. Apparently, many moons ago they installed a rule saying that anyone playing in an organized sport after the age of 21 BEFORE enrolling in college, thus uses one year of their eligibility. Corey played in the indoor league after his 21st birthday and before he went to a junior college in preparation for FSU. Therefore, he's already used up all of his eligibility before his senior year at FSU. Frankly, I don't really care if he can't play for the Seminoles this fall but, this means he will lose his scholarship. Without his scholarship he won't be able to attend FSU this fall at all. Sorry Corey, but the NCAA isn't going to help you out in finishing up your criminal justice studies. Yes, I think the rule is utter bullshit. Not because now he can't play football, but now he can't get a degree. The NCAA should have taken that into account and helped him out. I mean don't they preach about their love of "student athletes?" I guess when you take away the athlete part the NCAA doesn't have much need for students alone. Sorry Corey, no school for you.

Peace & Love

The Weekly Reality Wrap-Up -- Rodman's Last Stand

People, people, people. We are back in your lives with a new format and more of that fresh, intriguing, arrogant, pompous writing you know and love. Now before you genuflect at the altar of Curb (I did say arrogant and pompous), let's dive in head-first to the best of the weekly, whimsical, worthless world of reality television.

Moment of the Week: Teddy's Revelation (From G's to Gents)

On this week's From G's to Gents, we learned something interesting about Teddy. The G who was clearly one of the front-runners in the competition with his dreads and Southern drawl casually made his way into Fonzworth Bentley's office where he apparently had something to tell Mr. B. After a bit of pussyfooting, Teddy admitted something which no one was expecting. "My girl, she ... she sells herself. I take the money she gives me or whatever, she brings more girls around, and I get money from them," but contends that "I'm not a pimp." Teddy's admission earned him Moment of the Week status simply for it's shocking nature. On a related note, he was NOT the contestant eliminated this week ... Cheers to you Tedward.

Contestant of the Week: Dennis Rodman (Celebrity Apprentice)

Yes, you did read that correctly: Dennis Rodman is a participant in this season of The Celebrity Apprentice and he has provided all the entertainment one would expect from a 6'8" alcoholic, occasional cross-dresser who, for whatever reason, is constantly draped in Ed Hardy clothing. Now firstly, one may wonder what qualifies Rodman to be part of a show centered around business savvy, but a quick look at his credentials shows Rodman to be a versatile professional, having succeeded in the realms of basketball (as a 5-time NBA Champion as well as a 2-time defensive player of the year), professional wrestling (as part of WCW's illustrious nWo, fighting along side Hulk Hogan), and even acting (the nigga was in Simon Sez!!!). Now that that's been established, we can move on to what garnered Rodman this weeks title (yes ... there is more).

After a few weeks of lackluster, effortless (not in a good way) performances that included such moments as him refusing to get out of a truck for wont of being noticed by other people, and skipping a full day of a challenge with "eye problems" which apparently is code for a wicked hangover. As per Mr. Trump's challenge for Dennis to prove himself as integral to his team, he decided to act as project manager for the coming task of running part of the Loews Hotel in NYC. Dennis took a non-traditional approach to management by ignoring the, apparently unnecessary, delegation and assigning of tasks. After the trek to Carnegie Deli to get cookies for gift baskets in the patrons rooms, Dennis made his way to the kitchen to drop them off, and decided to get his drank on, as it were. Pounding his trademark vodka-cranberries in rapid succession the Rod-man loosened up and took a (somehow) more leisurely approach to management. His biggest error proved to be going with two of the hotel guests to get dinner for a few hours, abandoning his team, neglecting to inform them of it, and ignoring their calls. In the end, this led to the least climactic board room scene in the history of The Apprentice ... instead of any type deliberation, Trump turned his attention to Dennis and in essence said "-_- ... kthxbye". Alas Mr. Rodman won't be there for alcohol and insanity induced outbursts, but we thank him for the good times he gave us.

Show of the Week: True Life: I'm Addicted to Porn

Seriously ... Need I say more?

*Honorable Mention: Que and Brian Throw Down (Making the Band 4)

Quelle surprise, one of Diddy's groups is having issues. The root of this years annual Making the Band fight was Que's paranoia and Brian's temper. This could be the path down which Day26 is headed which would corroborate the "Making the Band curse" as Diddy so eloquently stated. If nothing else, we can be sure of one comment that Brian made: "It's never ever gonna be the same."

And that was this week in reality television, folks. Be sure to let me know if there's anything that you think should've made the list.

Vaya con Dios